


Sorry

by phanicatthekidsarentalright (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, 2012!Phan, Angst AF, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fighting, Fluff I guess, M/M, Making Up, Phan - Freeform, but it's all good in the end i promise, dan cries a lot, phil says some mean stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 08:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5915746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/phanicatthekidsarentalright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2012!Phan are having a heated argument when Phil says something that really hurts Dan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sorry

The flat shared between Dan Howell and Phil Lester was quiet, as it usually was these days. There was no Buffy episode playing on their shared TV, no sounds of laughter echoing from the kitchen. Thankfully, there was also no shouting at the moment. The sounds of heated arguments were the only ones that were ever heard in their flat these days.

Dan and Phil were in their separate, adjacent rooms, both silently, mindlessly browsing the internet and trying not to think about each other. It was late 2012 and their year had not been going to plan. Sure, their work lives had been fantastic; they were both coming dangerously close to reaching a million subscribers on YouTube, they’d just moved to London to start hosting a weekly radio show for the BBC and they’d spent the year interviewing celebrities and generally just gaining all-round success.

But their relationship was a mess. There were several different things that had all happened around the same time and inevitably torn Dan and Phil apart. The first of those things being, of course, the accidental release of the Valentine’s Day video, which led to the pressure from their fanbase becoming too much for Dan, forcing him to let all of his anger and frustration out on Phil. Dan’s growing popularity over Phil was also a subtle source of problems between them. They never mentioned it outright, but it was clear that although Dan was acting more like an asshole with Phil these days, he was still gaining subscribers a lot faster. Phil knew that the inevitable day would come when he would be forced to celebrate Dan reaching one million when he hadn’t yet gotten there. 

Phil was also hurt by the fact that he couldn’t help thinking that Dan didn’t need him anymore. Dan’s popularity had grown significantly in 2012 and it had also been the year when Dan had virtually stopped including Phil in his videos. It was almost as if people liked Dan better without him. 

They lived together and worked together, but they weren’t together in any sense. Not as friends, not as lovers, not even as platonic roommates with the ability to get along. So it was no surprise that when Phil walked into the living room to pick up the hoodie he had left there and found Dan sitting on the sofa, staring into space, the air was thick with tension very quickly. 

“Oh…um, I uh…didn’t know you’d be in here.” Phil muttered. Dan looked up at him, swallowing the lump in his throat. Phil felt a pain in his chest as he became aware of Dan’s red, puffy eyes and the way he was clutching onto a pillow like it was his life support.

“Whatever,” Dan said, annoyance in his voice. Phil rolled his eyes as Dan turned to look straight ahead once more. There were a few seconds of silence, before Dan whipped back around to face Phil, a new look of anger in his eyes. “What are you here for, Phil?” He demanded. “Get what you need and go.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Phil said sarcastically, raising his hands in mock surrender. “Pretty sure I live in this flat too, you know. Or did you forget? I wouldn’t be surprised if you forgot about my existence entirely.”

Dan stood up, angrily pulling at his hair. “God, Phil, just…just shut up, okay?! It’s not like you’ve been paying much attention to me either!”

“That’s not fair, Dan! I wasn’t the one who turned into an absolute dick, was I? Getting mad at fans? Getting mad at the people who we owe our lives to? That wasn’t me!”

Dan’s body stiffened. “Well, it hasn’t stopped them from subscribing to me, has it? If anything, it’s stopped them from subscribing to you.”

Phil froze. Had Dan really decided to bring that up? He thought there was an unspoken agreement of respect between them to never mention Dan’s increasing popularity over Phil. 

Phil could feel the anger rising in him. He never usually snapped at Dan; he was happy to yell back at him during arguments but he rarely said anything hurtful. The thing was, he knew exactly what would be hurtful to Dan. He had the power to seriously damage Dan with his words, a power that Dan didn’t have over him. 

When they’d first met, Dan had been a very self-conscious teenager who had just escaped from the torments of bullies at high school. He’d found comfort in Phil; his older, more sensible boyfriend who always whispered words of love and appreciation that eventually brought Dan’s self-esteem back to a healthy level.

Phil had never been that way. Over the last few months, Dan had said every hurtful thing under the sun to Phil, but it had never done more than make Phil angrier. Dan’s words never pierced Phil’s heart, never brought up old memories and never made Phil cry. Sure, he might cry in the comfort of his room after the fight in question, but it would always be over his relationship with Dan in general and not with the things that had been said just before.

Phil also had a tendency to do things he would later regret when angry. The only times he ever came close to pulling his hurtful words out on Dan was when he was riled up. But he’d always managed to stop himself; that is, until this particular argument.

Dan had broken their unspoken agreement. He’d angrily commented on the rapid increase of his solo fame and Phil was mad. He wasn’t particularly bitter over the fact that Dan was achieving more than him; most people would be, but not kind-hearted Phil Lester. So he didn’t exactly mean what he said next. And he regretted it as soon as he started saying it, but there was no going back.

“You know what, Dan? No matter how many subscribers you have, people will always like me more. Know why? Because you’re just a stupid, selfish kid who sits and talks about himself for five minutes when he feels like it. You’re lazy, unreliable and just plain narcissistic, and it’s no wonder you’re getting more subscribers than me, because the world is full of selfish assholes who probably love listening to you sit and talk about your pointless bullshit. But smart, kind people come to me. Because I actually have a heart. I wish I’d never encouraged you to start your YouTube channel. You were right when you said no one decent would be interested in what you have to say.”

As soon as he’d finished talking, Phil became conscious of the tears falling silently down Dan’s cheeks. Dan was staring vacantly at him, looking crushed and broken. He wasn't even attempting to speak, clearly having given up. 

Phil felt his heart shatter into a million pieces as he watched Dan’s lips quiver, the tears continuing to fall as he swallowed the lump in his throat. 

Phil knew almost immediately that he’d gone way too far. He needed to make this better.

He stepped forward timidly, feeling tears building in his eyes too as he watched the boy he loved so much sobbing quietly in front of him, knowing it was all his fault. “Dan…” Phil’s voice trailed off as Dan looked down, letting a few tears fall to the ground. 

Phil moved closer, reaching forward and touching Dan’s shoulder lightly. “I’m…I’m sorry, I didn’t…” he began, only to be cut off by Dan shaking his head, still crying. “It’s fine.”

Phil frowned and shook his head too. “No, Dan, it’s not. I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I mean, I guess I sort of did…but that wasn’t fair of me. I shouldn’t have…”

Dan looked up at him and their mutual teary eyes locked. “But I hurt you all the time, Phil. Why shouldn’t you hurt me too?” 

If Phil’s heart wasn’t already broken, it was now. He hated being responsible for Dan’s sadness. He shook his head again frantically. “No, Dan, you don’t ever hurt me the way I just hurt you. I knew exactly what would hurt you the most, and I just used it against you. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said.”

Dan managed a small smile, and Phil reached forward, wiping the few stray tears away. He pulled Dan into his arms cautiously, giving the younger boy time to back out if he didn’t want to reciprocate the hug. Thankfully, he did, burying his head in Phil’s chest and letting out loud sobs, pulling on the older boy’s shirt as his body was shaken by his cries.

As Dan let out the emotions he’d been storing for months, Phil stroked his back and comfortingly shushed him, whispering “I love you” and “you’re so beautiful” repeatedly, both trying to reassure Dan and make up for the harsh words he’d said before.

When Dan finally calmed down, he pulled away, looking at Phil. “Do you really still love me?” He whispered. Phil nodded, smiling. “Of course I do, Dan.” Dan looked like he might start crying again at Phil’s words. “W-why?” He asked, his voice breaking slightly. 

Phil leaned in, slowly, before pressing a gentle kiss to Dan’s lips. Then he pulled back and shrugged, almost comically. “Because I always have, and I always will.” 

A few minutes later, they went back to their separate, adjacent rooms, both silently, mindlessly browsing the internet; but this time, they couldn’t help but think about each other.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it...i'm not great at angst and i always need it to have a happy ending :/ 
> 
> follow me on tumblr: phanicatthekidsarentalright.tumblr.com


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